We’re no longer complete novices. We’ve at last discovered a group of people who understand our interest in the “kink world.” We’ve been exploring this realm secretly and clumsily for years, not realizing there’s an entire community out there with similar interests – some even more adventurous! We’re not alone. Moreover, many of these people seem quite decent, intriguing, and “ordinary.” A whole new universe has unfolded before us.
We’re excited about our first play session. We’ve met an attractive, experienced individual who shares our interests and is eager to participate. It’s thrilling! We may be a bit nervous, hoping to get things “right,” but we’re mostly overjoyed to have the support and acceptance of others who speak our language. We no longer need to conceal our desires or fear being judged as bad people.
Our initial play session goes exceptionally well! The flogging lessons have paid off, and our play partner is supportive and understanding of our hesitations and anxieties. It feels incredible to wield a flogger against someone’s gorgeous rear! It’s as sensual as we had imagined, and also tender and intimate, fostering a deep connection. We feel more empowered than ever before. Our entire being vibrates with new potential. We feel seen, strong, invigorated, and liberated. It’s an amazing sensation!
After our partner leaves to use the restroom, we prepare for some cozy, tender aftercare. Suddenly, a fleeting thought crosses our mind, almost imperceptible.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re celebrating the fact that you just made someone’s back black and blue. You HIT someone, repeatedly, and it aroused you. You enjoyed it. Sick jerk.”
Your mind seizes up, and a numbness takes over, potentially leading to regret and shame. You question yourself – what kind of twisted person finds pleasure in inflicting pain on others?
crash The euphoria evaporates into a haze of dark concern, suggesting that no healthy person should feel this elated after what you just did. This cloud may hover or spiral further downward, dragging us along and causing us to become irritable, distant, worried, and embarrassed. It makes us doubt every joyful, empowering moment we just experienced. Your partner returns to the room, smiling at first, but then puzzled when they sense the intimate magic has somehow soured.
This is just one manifestation of Top guilt. It’s not pleasant, and it’s not fun. Not everyone experiences it, but many do, particularly when we’re new to the scene and still shedding the shame and secrecy we’ve carried for years. We may understand logically that guilt and shame are unwarranted, but these emotions can be deeply rooted in our psyche and surface at the most inconvenient times, bursting our bubble.
Even after years of engaging in ethical BDSM practices with clear consent, open communication, and honesty, residual guilt and shame can suddenly emerge and prod us where it hurts, suggesting we have no right to take pleasure in causing another’s pain or discomfort. Old beliefs can be persistent, especially if we’ve been chastised by someone significant in our lives – a parent, teacher, or romantic partner. Many of us acquire some degree of shame simply because no one around us discusses or engages in these activities. If we don’t see our interests reflected in our surroundings, we may believe we’re unique and flawed.
I don’t have a quick solution for Top guilt. However, if you notice it affecting you, there are several strategies that may help alleviate it, either permanently or as it arises. Here are a few techniques that have worked for me, although there are likely other options I haven’t considered.
- Feedback from Play Partners
One of the most effective remedies for Top guilt is receiving positive feedback from your submissive
partner. Hearing how wonderful you made them feel through your skillful humiliation and/or sadistic creativity can be incredibly reassuring. You can address it directly by discussing it with your partner and requesting feedback as part of Dominant aftercare. Alternatively, you can approach it indirectly by asking for post-scene feedback as part of your aftercare for them. Ideally, they will provide you with the positive feedback you need.
Being reminded that what you enjoy doing is also something your partner genuinely enjoys receiving can effectively counteract any negative thoughts.
- Engage with Others Who Share Your Interests
In addition to obtaining positive feedback from your play partner, connecting with others who share your BDSM interests can be immensely helpful. Participating in discussions about shared kinks, either in-person or online, can provide comfort for those struggling with residual shame. In some cases, you might even be able to discuss your experiences with shame explicitly, although not everyone may be open to such conversations.
- Other Considerations
- Reading books on BDSM, including instructional guides, theoretical and psychological texts, and even spiritual kink material can be enlightening.
- Attending workshops to learn from and engage with experienced, knowledgeable individuals you can look up to.
- Joining a group for Dominants in your local area can provide a safe space to discuss shame and other challenges.
- Seeking counseling from a kink-friendly therapist may be beneficial if guilt and shame are particularly troublesome.
If Top guilt or shame is hindering your growth and enjoyment as a Dominant, there’s no need to suffer in silence. Relief can often be found through simple methods. Try the suggestions above and feel free to share any additional strategies that work for you. Consensual BDSM is not something to feel guilty about. It may take time to truly accept this at our core, but it’s worth pursuing.
- Education and Self-Reflection
Educating yourself about the intricacies of BDSM, including the importance of consent, boundaries, and safety, can help assuage any feelings of guilt or shame. Understanding that your actions are part of a consensual and mutually enjoyable experience can make a significant difference in how you perceive your desires and actions.
Take time for self-reflection, exploring your own motivations, desires, and limits. Becoming more self-aware can help you better understand your role as a Dominant and provide insights into how to navigate feelings of guilt or shame.
- Celebrate Your Growth and Successes
Acknowledge your progress and growth as a Dominant by celebrating your successes and positive experiences. Embrace your achievements, whether it’s mastering a new technique, building trust with your partner, or creating memorable scenes. Recognizing your accomplishments can help reinforce that you are engaging in healthy, consensual activities that bring happiness and satisfaction to both you and your partner.
- Seek Out Positive Role Models
Find and connect with positive role models within the BDSM community, individuals who embody the values, ethics, and practices you admire. Learn from their experiences, insights, and advice, and strive to emulate their approach to kink. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can help dispel feelings of guilt or shame and provide reassurance that your desires and actions are not only valid but also embraced by others.
- Be Patient and Kind to Yourself
Finally, be patient and kind to yourself as you navigate your journey in the BDSM world. Overcoming feelings of guilt or shame may take time, and it’s essential to remember that growth and self-acceptance are ongoing processes. Treat yourself with compassion, and don’t be too hard on yourself when you experience setbacks or moments of doubt.
By employing the strategies mentioned above and remaining open to exploring new methods for addressing Top guilt, you can work towards embracing your desires and actions without guilt or shame. Consensual BDSM is a valid and rewarding aspect of many people’s lives, and with time and effort, you can fully accept and celebrate your role as a Dominant.
